Rubbish and Keanu: February 2011

Monday, February 28, 2011

Why I didn't post this weekend

On friday afternoon, I had come home from work. I have been thinking of the gym all day. I was hungry, didnt have any lunch. In fact, I didnt eat because I spent the money. For the past month I was saving up for something. Something special which I bought at GNC. I was suprised they didnt ask for ID; I was pretty sure the cashier noticed how nervous I was. Anyways, my mom asked my how my day was when I got home, but I ignored her. I have more important things to do. I run to the bathroom and unpack my bag. In my school bag is a white plastic bag from GNC. I open the bag, first removing the reciept and flushing it down the toilet to get rid of the evidence. My heart was racing now. I unpack the Creatine monster from the bag. I wonder what people will be asking me when they see that I will be 50lbs heavier.

Should I say I was just eating alot? I remove the label on the tub and tear it into a thousand small peices. I flush that down the toilet too. It is time now. I run up to my room when my mom askes me what I am holding. I panic, sweat drips down my forehead and my teeth chatter. "mom, its just for a school project". "what project?" "I dont know mom I just started it!!". A tear runs down my cheek. I run upstairs and open the creatine, scooping up 5 scoops into a clear water bottle. What have I gotten myself into???? I fill it with water and drink it. There is no turning back now.

The Creatine monster is inside me now, it will control me. What should I do if I die? I cant let my family know about this. I open the Creatine tub and throw it all out the window; a white cloud of mysterious dust sparkles into the wind so graciously. I feel the substance taking control of me; I am now the monster. I walk downstairs, its time to work out; time to get big. Now I worry, I dont want to get too big; people will think I use steroids. I do use steroids. NO I DONT. Creatine.

All I see is the weights now, I am almost downstairs when I hear "do you want a cookie I just baked". I know I do not have time for this **** now. "NO MOM I DO NOT WANT A COOKIE" I walk in the basement and drop to my knees before the weights, tears running down my cheeks. I turn to the right and look at myself in the mirror. Oh god, what have I done?

"What is _?" NO!

It was a Kerosene Explosion

Naked Spongebob

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Everything is Cooler in Africa

Biggest Dump In the World (not Bono)

Action Sequence from the film Alluda Majaka

Shitloads of horses died so you could see this so you best like it. Yeah.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Louis Theroux - Gambling in Las Vegas

3 Lazy African's

Let me just check my insurance... Yep, I have coverage!

Light Weight, Light Weight, C'mon

Jiz, the Abortion Episode

Friday, February 18, 2011

James! Get off the Computer!

I thought this was America

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Another Late V-Day Post

Why I'm so Different After Florida

I went to Florida several months ago. I was quite happily swimming around with the dolphins when she suddenly decided to grab my foot with her genital slit. Dolphins have very muscular vaginal orifices, and can use these muscles to manipulate objects and carry them. I stayed still for a while, to see if she was just playing, but she continued to masturbate against my foot, and in the light of the torch I sometimes carry, I could see that her slit had become very pink and had swelled as well. She was aroused!

So, I started to back-paddle with my hands towards a small beached area, partially submerged in the water. A couple of times she pulled me forward into the deeper water, but eventually I got my self to the shallows. I dislodged my foot (Being careful not to pull too hard), and took her gently by a pectoral fin and rubbed her belly just to aclimatize her, I guess. She immediately rolled belly up and started doing pelvic thrusts against the palm of my hand. It was unmistakebly erotic, and by now I was fully aroused.

I stripped off my shorts, and gently pulled her into the shallows until she was lying on her side, her belly facing towards me, half submerged in the water. I nestled myself belly to belly against her, and pressed my member against her genital slit. She immediately arched her body against mine, and took me inside her body, initiating a quick series of muscular contractions with her vaginal muscles. I wrapped my left arm around her body and just held her close while she manipulated me inside her body, until I climaxed barely 2 minutes later. Surprisingly, her body also shuddered against mine, and we spent the next 5 or so minutes just lying together in the shallows, holding each other, enjoying our company and revelling in the fact that we had shared something special together, something very few people can claim to have done.

I do not brag about this though. It is not something you can brag about, since it not only is demeaning to the act, but it destroys the purpose of the act as well; to express affection, and trust. I only consent to those dolphins who ask. As a result, I have mated only three times. Each time was memorable and special, because each time it was something we both wanted to share with each other. Sex, for me, is just another, albeit powerful, expression of affection and trust. I wouldn't engage any other animal, though; it is not my attraction. But there is little I wouldn't do for a dolphin.